Telling Difficult Truths

No matter how well we communicate with a partner or close friend, sometimes something comes up that we know we should talk about. We also know, instinctively, that the other person is not going to like talking about this issue. I’ve been in a twelve-step program for almost eighteen years, so I’ve gotten better at bringing up difficult subjects, but I don’t feel terrific when I know I have to do so. I think about what I need to say, and how I might say it so the other person can hear me without shutting down because he or she becomes defensive. Often I’m successful and we get through the discussion that I’ve been dreading with very little difficulty. But sometimes that is not the case. The other person shuts me out, says I’m wrong, refuses to talk about it – whatever. Then what? Sometimes I regroup and try to figure out another way to talk about it. Sometimes I decide it can wait, until whatever it is seems to be impacting me in a more direct way. I have been known to suggest a counseling session, knowing I may be forced to examine my own behavior or attitudes in a whole new way as well. Such a suggestion is usually my last resort, but I have used it, though infrequently, and those sessions have always been invaluable. Usually they make intimacy between my partner and me even greater, and relieve pressure we may both be feeling although we are unclear about how to deal with each other. He and I went through such an encounter this weekend, and though it wasn’t easy, we did get through to the other end. I learned a lot more about him and how he processes, and why this issue is so ‘fraught’ for him, and he realized why I was upset. We came to an understanding, some of which entailed accepting that we are very different. I think I have a harder time accepting those differences than he does, but it’s getting easier. I certainly know I can’t expect another person to change because that would make me more comfortable! Relationships sometimes flow smoothly, and sometimes encounter big or little bumps. Saying the truth seemed essential to me if the relationship is to survive, even if it isn’t usually a lot of fun. Maybe that’s what the experts mean by ‘working on it’.