The Richness of Life

Yesterday I found myself thinking about all the blessings I have in my life. It was startling since I don’t tend to gush to myself or anyone else. I remember the leader of my women’s group in LA saying years ago that it’s easier to talk about problems, even with good friends, than joy because most people are uncomfortable with happiness. That struck me then, but we forget, and I went on with life, and there was another divorce, and problems with kids, and work, and friends, and I reverted to my usual thought patterns, which do tend to focus on problems. So yesterday came as quite a surprise, but I stayed with it. My partner, Wonono, had been visiting his family in Santa Barbara, and though I loved the time alone, I began to worry that he would come back and say that California is ‘his place’ and that he needed to go home. I really put myself through the wringer about that, and one of my close friends urged me to tell him just how upset I had become about that idea. I often seem quite ‘together’ and most people don’t know how wigged out I can get. How would he know how afraid I am of abandonment if I didn’t share it with him? So I did tell him when he came home. He assured me that he liked his life here in Washington, liked his life with me, and loved me. He wouldn’t dream of leaving. And then he held me. I think the friend who urged me to tell him how frightened I had become was also right. Our relationship seems even more intimate than before he left. Last week I received an email telling me that the National Association of Professional Women, which had named me ‘Woman of the Year’ a few months ago, was planning on highlighting me in their newsletter for July as well as on their website. They reach over 200,000 women, so this is quite a big deal. Before the email, I was debating whether to stop all my marketing attempts for “Little Nancy: The Journey Home” because it takes so much time, and movement on both sales and notice is just so slow in coming. Guess I won’t stop yet! And then there are my daughters. Both seem to enjoy talking with me, even about intimate issues, and call frequently. I have two rambunctious and delightful (though exhausting) grandchildren who grin from ear to ear when my car pulls in front of their house, the older yelling, “Gramma!” What a sound! I am part of a great listserve for my graduating class at Sarah Lawrence College, where we discuss weighty issues both personal and universal, and have made new friends, though distant geographically, that way. Despite the fact that I have recently lost a very old friend, and that loss has been extremely painful, I have accepted that she has moved in a direction not my own in her life and has to end our friendship. I grieve the loss, but know I must let go and move on as well. My friends here are interesting, interested in the world around them, and supportive, and though they haven’t known me for forty years, they know me now and most of them delve deep. There isn’t time in the week or month for me to even see them each of them. All in all, I am one fortunate woman. I tell myself not to say ‘lucky’ because I have been an active participant in my life, which has a great deal to do with all this bounty. And there is bounty. I must remember to acknowledge it, both to myself, and to the world at large. It seems important to say ‘thank you universe’ out loud, so I am.